


Some Assembly Required

by spacenaiads



Series: Remus and Sirius and the trip to Ikea [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-09
Updated: 2015-07-09
Packaged: 2018-04-08 11:26:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4303038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacenaiads/pseuds/spacenaiads
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus and Sirius assemble the desk they bought from Ikea. It goes about as well as you'd expect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Some Assembly Required

**Author's Note:**

> Again for Morgan, and again late, but with much love. Happy belated birthday xx

“Let’s get started!” said Sirius, when the desk, currently unassembled and in a box, was in their living room (it was much easier to move it about on the other end; what with levitating spells no-one moaned about doing their back in even once).

“Tea first,” Remus said, a firm hand steering Sirius into the kitchen. “It’s definitely tea-time, I know that. And maybe even a read of the paper, I haven’t had a chance to look at it yet,” he added hopefully. “Flick the kettle on won’t you love? I’ll see how we’re doing on the biscuit front.”

A quick rummage of the cupboards revealed half a packet of hobnobs (the chocolate kind) and malt biscuits (not the chocolate kind). In an optimistic manoeuvre he set a few of each on plate.

“Milk or cream for you today, Sirius?” Remus asked as the kettle politely _ping_ ed to let them know it had finished boiling. “Actually, you can doctor your own tea to your liking, I don’t want to know.”

“Don’t be so dramatic, a few spoonfuls of sugar here and there never harmed anyone,” Sirius scoffed, jumping the gun and helping himself to one of the hobnobs (which was cheating, actually).

“I liked the way you used the word ‘spoonful’. I was under the impression you preferred the measuring cups.”

“You can be a cruel man to me sometimes, Moony.”

“Oh, carry the biscuits over to the table and stop moaning,” Remus said cheerfully.

Sirius did.

“Right,” Remus said a good half-hour later, while downing the last of his third cup of tea, the crossword mostly completed (admittedly, several squares had had to be coloured in in order to get everything to fit). “Let’s get this desk sorted.”

“Uhuh,” Sirius murmured in a noncommittal sort of tone, as he’d done the past five times Remus had said those exact words in that exact order. He carried on pencilling in three extra little boxes at the top of 12 down in effort to get ‘effervescent’  to work with ‘taught’.

“No, I’m serious this time, let’s get this over with. Watch me, I’m getting up,”  Remus said, not getting up.

“Yes, I can see that. Top-notch getting up,” said Sirius, also not getting up.

Which had the intended effect, in that Remus immediately leapt up and offered a hand to Sirius, eyebrow quirked.

“The hammer’s under the kitchen sink, isn’t it?” Sirius asked, which it was.

They ripped open the tape--much easier said than done, requiring the aid of two wands and a pair of heavy-duty kitchen scissors.

“Hmm,” Sirius said, picking up a packet that had fallen out. It contained an assortment of small metal...things.

“Alright,” Remus said, ripping open and unfolding a worryingly large instruction sheet. He read aloud: “Insert tab A into slot B.”

“Oo _oo_ h,” Sirius said, with what may have been an attempt at an eyebrow wiggle, but may also have been a seizure.

“Are you alright?” Remus asked, his eyes snapping up from where he was engrossed in a diagram.

“What? Yes, fine.”

“Alright,” Remus repeated. “So…” He trailed off, a furrow in his brow as he read through the page again.

“Just tell me what to do with the metal thingamies,” Sirius said.

“I think we should start with lining up one of the legs with the top,” Remus said, rereading the instruction sheet for the third time. “As far as I can work out it should just slide in, then we bang a few nails to keep it in place, as well as a few of the, yes, metal thingamies.”

“You can use that tone all you like but you don’t know what they’re called either, do you?”

“Don’t be silly, of course I do.”

“So what are then then?”

“Metal thingamies, well-known technical term.”

“Of course. How stupid of me not to have guessed,” said Sirius, who was actually feeling mildly stupid for not having seen that coming.

“It should just slide in--see those little holes. Right, One, two, three--”

This time there _were_ complaints about doing their backs in.

Remus observed their handiwork critically.

“Well, a bit wonky, but it’ll do the trick I should think. A few nails won’t do it any harm, mind.”

“Yep,” said Sirius, giving the hammer a few experimental swings, and nearly bashing a hole right through the middle of the would-be desk. “You can use wands as hammers, can’t you?” Sirius asked. “There’s a spell for that, I think.”

“Which we will not be using because I do not want to spend the rest of today in Accident and Emergency.”

“It’s...oh, what is it again? _Malleolus_? _Malletus_?”

“ _No_.”

“Come on Remus, giving it a go can’t hurt.”

“Pass over that metal turny bit,” Remus said in a ‘we are no longer discussing this’ sort of way.

“Which one? The flat-edge one, or whatever in Ptolemy’s name this is supposed to be?” Sirius held up what might generously be described as an ‘asymmetrical’ turny thing.

“The interesting-looking one. And can you sort of lean your weight into the end, right here? That should help push it up the right way…”

Miraculously, they eventually managed to properly attach a leg. With joiners and nails and so on. The problem with desks is that, well, often they have more than one leg to stand on.

“I think this bit goes here, actually,” Sirius said.

“Are you sure?”

“No, not really, but it’s worth a shot.”

“Pass the hammer over, then.”

Sirius did, and Remus banged in the nails with really a bit more force than strictly necessary.

They both stood up and took a step back.

“Oh,” said sirius, looking at their creation. It was… well, it was alright from one angle. It was just that, when looked at from another, it suddenly started looking a lot less alright and a lot more like something Escher designed on one of his off days.

“How did we manage to put the leg on _the wrong way round?”_ Remus wailed, clutching at his hair. “How bloody difficult can it possibly be to assemble a stupid bloody desk from stupid bloody Ikea?!”

“I think you need another tea break,” Sirius said hurriedly, manhandling him into the kitchen. “Come on, Earl Grey or Lady Grey?”

Remus glowered across the room at their misshapen creation as he sculled a cup of loose leaf Lady Grey.

“Hey,” Sirius said, in what he probably thought was a soothing manner. “It’s going to be alright. It’s just a desk. From Ikea. We made a moving map of the entirety of Hogwarts, including people, when we were _teenagers_. This is a piece of cake in comparison,” he said, but he didn’t sound as though he believed it.

“Time to have another go at it,” Remus sighed, draining the dregs.

“Fuck,” said Sirius.

“We should try fixing the platey joinery thing the other way, I think that’s where we went wrong last time.”

“Yeah,” said Sirius. He knelt to pick up the screwdriver and tried to hide his wince as his knees grumbled about the amount of exercise he was submitting them to. “ _Oof_ , no, I’m fine, don’t worry. What way am I supposed to be pushing this? Can you read me from the instructions? Ta.”

They had to run out to the garden shed where Remus kept the saw and electric drill before they were through, but eventually...

“Well,” Remus said doubtfully. “I suppose it will just have to do. Do try not to be too rough with it, won’t you love?”

“Course not,” Sirius said, patting their beautiful creation. It creaked in response.


End file.
